“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, “You mean a choir?” “Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”
My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars… and came home to us a seasoned Veteran.
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the man.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!”
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today! That’s seven years in a row now!
If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on, I would be like, why am I always getting this free money?
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh? Same middle name.
I’ve combined a laxative and alphabet soup. I call it “Letter rip.”
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” mixed up. Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I’d like to hear today’s special. I said yeah. He said, “Today is special!” I said, “I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu, please?” The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, “Sir, the men I please is my own private business.”
What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he’s had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you’ve had a stroke.
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with frequent gas.
Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 10 times since I’ve been here, and I bet you didn’t even notice!” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back next week.” The next week the old lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens.” The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
I swam up to the surface instead.
I bought my daughter a brand new fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it
What do Incel and Excel have in common?
Misinterpreting something as a date.
Viruses mutate over time, take Covid for example…
It started as a pandemic, and now it’s become an IQ test.
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
“Why”? Putin asks
“I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.”
“Indeed” Putin replies “but that’s only minor stuff, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn’t taken off yet!!”
What is worse than when it’s raining cats and dogs?
Hailing Hitler.
I was about to give money to a homeless man when I realized that I only had a $50 bill.
I took it out and asked myself, “Do I want this money to be spent on drugs?”
I decided I did, so I put the money back in my wallet and kept walking.
An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way”
My wife says I only have 2 faults.
I don’t listen and something else.
Cheating for “Good” Reasons
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?‘”
Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“Alright,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer
Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.
I went to the gas station and tried to pay with a $50 bill, but they said they don’t take bills that large because of potential counterfeit.
So I gave him a 40.
My husband told me I look better without my glasses
I said, thanks, you look better without my glasses too
Mom, what’s dark humor?
Mom: Well son, you see that man over there with no arms? Go tell him to clap.
Son: But, Mom! I’m blind!
Mom: Exactly.
My Doctor has advised me to stop drinking - its going to be a massive change for me.
I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years…
What’s smarter than the average bear?
50% of all bears.
A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.
While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. “What’s that there for?” he asks. Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.” “Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”
“Where is Donald Trump’s clock?” asks the man. Jesus answers: “It’s in my office, I’m using it as a ceiling fan.”
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.
She whispers, “They’re right behind you!”
A guy walks into a cafe and asks for a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, “The guy next to you got the last bowl.” He looks over and sees that the guy’s bowl of chili is full. He says, “If you’re not going to eat that, mind if I take it?” The other guys says, “No, help yourself.” He starts to eat it and about halfway down, his fork hits something. It’s a dead mouse, and he vomits the chili back into the bowl. The other guys says, “That’s about as far as I got, too.”
I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.
Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don’t even have a sister.
Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.
As he embraced me, he sighed, “OK, let’s go over the rules of volleyball one last time.”
Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.
I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.
When birds fly in V formation, why is one side always bigger?
That side has more birds.
I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!
And she said to me “Whatever floats your boat”
And i said “No that’s Buoyancy”
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see.” He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, “Was I going up the stairs or coming down?”
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
Picked up a hitch-hiker.
Seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn’t afraid that he might be a serial killer?
I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
I just got the Mitch Hedberg COVID test.
I asked my friend if he knows anyone with COVID.
He said “No.”
So I know I don’t have COVID because he knows me.
My dad was showing me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex.
The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,’ she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’
‘No,’ she replies… ‘You just happened to catch my eye.’
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.
The old man said, “Sir, I’m sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can’t even hold a pen.”
“Certainly sir,” said the younger man, “I’d be glad to.” He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”
The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you just add, ‘P.S.: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.‘”
Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?
So he could get a long little doggie.
My grief counselor suddenly died.
Fortunately he was excellent so I don’t care.
It’s true women do make less money than men.
But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Where women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
I saw an old man get jumped by 3 guys, so i decided to help.
He didn’t stand a chance against the 4 of us.
A man goes to a funeral
He asks the widow if he may say a word.
The widow nods and says “Of course, please do”.
The man clears his throat and says “Bargain”.
The widow sheds a tear, puts her hand on his shoulder and replies “Thanks. That means a great deal.”
An anti-vaxxer and an engineer are crossing a bridge over a crocodile-infested river
The anti-vaxxer asks “What are the odds of us making it across the bridge safely?”
The engineer replies “After a careful structural analysis, I calculate a 99.7% chance of crossing this bridge safely.”
The anti-vaxxer then says “Forget it, I’ll swim.”
A cowboy goes down to the stable, lifts his horse’s tail, and plants a kiss smack dab on the horses butthole.
Another cowboy sees this and yells, “What the hell are you doing?”
He replies, “I’ve got chapped lips.”
The other cowboy asks, “Does that help?”
“Nope,” he answers, “It just keeps me from licking them.”
Why are there poptarts but no momtarts?
Because of the pastryarchy.
An elderly lady calls her neighbor and says,
“Please come over and help me. I have a puzzle and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s done?”
The little silver-haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
He decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle pieces spread over the table.
He studies the pieces for a minute, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he says with a deep sigh …
“Let’s put all of the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. .
My gondolences
What’s the difference between Jim Jones and Donald Trump?
Trump would’ve charged for the kool-aid.
I saw a microbiologist today
He was much bigger than I expected
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes his seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he’s closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field!
About halfway through the first quarter Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”
The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together at since we got married in 1967.”
“Well, that’s really sad,” says Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?” “No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”
The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff’s hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, “Never mind boys, I’ll get it.”
Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,
walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope’s entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC reported:
“BIDEN CAN’T SWIM”
A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, “Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?”
His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, “Yes.”
He asks, “Whose is it?”
His wife replies, “Yours!”
I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?
Also, my IQ test came back positive
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
I don’t know, he hasn’t opened it yet
This morning I had to break up a fight on the sidewalk. Two blind men going at it with their canes. I said: “Break it up guys,What the hell is going on here!” Blind man 1:“You owe me fifty dollars!” Blind man 2: “I don’t understand what the hell his problem is!, I told YOU! ,“I WILL PAY YOU THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU!”
My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” I replied, “No.”
She yelled back, “How about now?”
To who ever put the “L” in Noel
Is it that hard to follow simple instructions?
Doctor says “I’ve got bad news and worse”
John says “Oh, no, what’s the bad news?”
Doctor: “Well, the bad news is that you’ve got 24 hours to live”
John: “That’s, that’s awful, what could be worse than that?”
Doctor: “Well, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you since yesterday”
What do you do if your wife starts smoking?
Slow down and use lubrication
A woman was waiting at the bus stop. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn’t.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
After becoming quite frusturated and embarassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”
The texan smiled and drawled “Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
A lawyer is out for a drive when he gets violently sideswiped, seemingly out of nowhere.
A police officer arrives at the scene to take his statement, but the driver keeps ranting on and on about the damage to his car.
“My beautiful BMW! The god-damned door was torn right off!”
The police officer rolls his eyes and says “You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. Here you are, going on about your precious car, and you didn’t even notice your left arm was torn off in the crash.”
The man looks down at the bloody stump, and with mounting horror, exclaims, “My Rolex!”
6 Life Lessons
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”
“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say
Lesson 3:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
- Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
- Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
- And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar…
She says,
“Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?”
The Russian replies,
“I work for KGB.”
“Cool, tell me an interesting story!”
“About me or about you?”
My English teacher always told me that spelling doesn’t matter because in the future we’ll have autocorrect
and for that advice I will be eternally grapefruit.
My friends laughed at me when I said I had a hot date and said that she was imaginary.
The joke is on them, though. They’re imaginary, too.
A woman falls into a coma while giving birth
When she wakes up a few days later, the doctor greets her with some news.”Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the responsibility of naming your children.”What did he name them?” she worriedly asked, “he isn’t very bright!” “Your daughter is Denise,” replied the doctor. Relieved she says, “That’s not so bad! And the boy?“. “Danephew.”
My wife’s gone and locked herself in the kitchen after an argument over how cheap and miserable I’ve become since we got married.
She’s in there now, ripping all the plates in half.
How to determine the gender of your cat ?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, and Sunday - Greg
The Gregorian Calendar
I spent all my cash renting a limo and it didn’t come with a driver.
Wasted all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot with a sign on the cage that said $50. ‘Why so little?’ she asked the pet store owner.
The pet store owner looked at her and said ‘Look, I should tell you first this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.’
The woman thought about it and decided to have the bird anyway. She took the bird home and hung its cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, ‘New house, new madam.’ The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought ‘That’s not really so bad.’
When her two teenage daughters returned home from school that afternoon, the bird saw them and said ‘New house, new madam, new girls.’ The girls and woman laughed about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, ‘Hi, Keith!’
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me help check her balance.
So i pushed her over
An Englishman began procedures at the Immigration Department to move to Australia
Immigration: “Do you have a criminal record?”
British guy: “Is that still necessary?”
A group of Guys all turning 40 discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia.
I told them I could explain everything.
Sergeant: I didn’t see you at camouflage training.
Private: Thank you, sir!
I debated a flat earther once. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
An authoritarian walks into a bar and orders everyone around
Devil: This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in
Me: Actually, since we’re underground, it would be magma
Devil: You understand this is why you’re here, right?
I’ve never been really good at owning up to my actions and responsibilities
Can’t believe my parents raised me this way.
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” he replied. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the flustered bartender managed to stammer.
“Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
The police came to my house tonight holding a picture of my wife.
They said, “Is this your wife, sir?” Shocked, I answered, “Yes.”
They said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”
I said, “I know, but she has a lovely personality.”
A lesbian couple asked me to help them conceive a baby
So I told them, “Well, imagine an adult, but smaller, mostly hairless, and it shits itself a lot.”
A hole has been discovered in the fence that surrounds a nudist camp.
Authorities are looking into it.
My wife asked my if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said “I didn’t know he could!“.
A girl walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me a double entendre”
So he gave it to her.
When a girl tells her friends that she dated a guy, it’s called “Kiss & Tell”.
But when a girl tells her friends that she dated me, it’s called “Coming forward with your story”.
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
“Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?”
The other says, “I am a big metal fan.”
2 robbers are robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other replies “yeah, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”
Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.
People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, “Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?”
The man said “This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don’t need one now.”
A joke for Saint Patrick’s Day…
A lone Irishman walks into an American bar and orders three shots of whiskey - all at once - and proceeds to sip each one in turn.
The American bartender finds it peculiar but minds his business.
Each day, the Irishman returns, ordering three shots of whiskey and sipping each of them in turn.
After about 3 weeks of this happening every day, the American bartender’s curiosity overwhelms him, so at last he asks the Irishman, “why do you always order your whiskey in sets of three?”
The Irishman smiles and says, “Oh, I have two brothers. One still lives in Ireland. The other lives in England. Right now, the two of them are in some pub in those countries doing the same thing. Since we are physically apart, this is just our symbolic way of drinking together.”
The Irishman continues his ritual.
Same bar.
Same three whiskeys.
Every single day for months.
One day, though, the Irishman arrives and only orders two whiskeys instead of three.
The American bartender pours the man his two whiskeys but is alarmed by the change.
He asks the Irishman, “Oh, my goodness, why only two whiskeys today? Did one of your brothers die?”
The Irishman, while sipping each of the two whiskeys, looks up at the bartender and says:
“Oh, no, lad. My brothers are totally fine. I just quit drinking.”
Two ducks were sitting in a pond
one of the ducks said: “Quack.” The other duck said: “I was going to say that!”
10 years ago I went camping at yellow stone and my wife got pregnant.
2 years later I went camping at Yellowstone and my wife got pregnant again.
After that when I went camping at Yellowstone I took my wife with me.
Four guys are hanging out. One of them says, “Hey did you know 1 out of every 4 guys is gay?”
Larry says, “I hope it’s Chuck because he’s really cute.”
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, “Uhh, what are they again?”
The blond cop replies, “Ugh. It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.” “Oh yeah,” says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, “I’m sorry ma’am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn’t have pulled you over.”
I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, “Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place…”
I asked, “Are you single?”
She replied, “No, I am a dentist.”
People said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.
But take a look at me now.
I’ve started buying up chicken stock
Pretty soon, I’ll be a bouillonaire!
A woman says to her lawyer “I want to divorce my husband.”
‟On what grounds?”
‟Grounds? We have a couple of acres outside the town, but it does have a big lawn and some fruit trees so it’s not like empty ground.”
‟No, that’s not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”
‟Yes, we have a 2 car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage. Why?”
The lawyer losing his patience, says, “Does he beat you up?”
‟No, I’m up by 6:30. He does not get up until after I leave for work.”
‟WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”
‟We just can’t seem to communicate.”
Yo momma so old…
Her first celebrity crush was Hercules.
My wife wanted to go on vacation, but I wanted a staycation…
… so we compromised and had an altercation
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.
The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer thought about it for a minute and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the volunteer mumbled, “Um… No.”
“Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken volunteer began to stammer out an apology, but was cut off.
“Third, that my sister’s husband died in a horrific traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!” The humiliated volunteer, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “… And I don’t give them any goddamn money, so why should I give any to you?!?”
Son: “Dad, Am I adopted”?
Dad: “Not yet. We still haven’t found anyone who wants you.”
My wife said I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least, that’s what she wrote on her diary.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door…
“Quick, jump out the window,” she says to him… “What???, the guy says, “we’re on the 13th floor!” She says… “ just jump, this is no time to be superstitious!”
A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.
“You’ve tested positive for opiates.” The doctor said.
The man quickly replied: “Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier.”
“Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine.”
“…It was an everything bagel.”
On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife…
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say ‘1-2-3’.” When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”
“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’” the medicine man responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
A teenage girl brings home her boyfriend to meet her parents
Her parents are disgusted by the boyfriend’s crazy haircut, excessive tattoos and piercings.
After dinner, the girl’s mom tells her, “Honey, he doesn’t seem to be a nice boy. Are you sure about this?”
“Oh please mom.” the girl begged. “If he wasn’t a nice person why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic
The nurse asked the rabbit: “What’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a typo O”, said the rabbit.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. At one point in the discussion, the teacher remarked that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow an entire human being because
…even though the whale was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
“But the whale swallowed Jonah,” the little girl insisted.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible, she said. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
Why did the blind man fall into a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well…
An Expensive Suit
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. “There’s no charge,” he says.
“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” the woman says.
“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
Then it was just a matter of switching the heads.”
I got asked how I view lesbian relationships
Apparently in HD wasnt the right answer
I was fed-up with people laughing at me for being bald, so I went out and bought a hairpiece.
It was a small price toupee.
Once upon a time my dad gave me some money and told me to pay our power bill. However, I didn’t pay it and instead spent all the money on a raffle where a new car was the prize. The very next day there was a brand new car in front of our house.
The car belonged to the electricians who came to cut our power off.
I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs!
I’ve been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old.
“You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”
“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “80 is the worst age of all!”
“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.
“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble crapping?” asked the 70-year-old.
“No, I crap every morning at 6:30.”
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what’s so tough about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00!”
How can a farmer pick up a woman?
A tractor
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
When I go to someone’s house and they tell me to make myself at home,
the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
I told my wife that I find out every morning how much my poop weighs.
She asked if I weighed myself before and after pooping. I thought for a second and I told her that her way is a lot cleaner than what I have been doing.
My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship
Or as she likes to call it, a “restraining order”
I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.
Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.
Americans are getting stronger
Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry $50 worth of groceries. Today, A 5-year old can do it.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me
She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.
Stephen Colbert: “Are you afraid of artificial intelligence taking over?”
Ricky Gervais: “I’d love for any intelligence to take over.”
In response to the “You’re not a monk” joke
A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.
”I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?”
“Of course my son.” said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. “But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?”
The man says nothing, grabs the lemon and rushes out of the church. The priest tries to chase him, but the man is too fast, so he quickly loses the priest.
The priest is a bit angry because of this, so for a week he goes for a run every single day, so this wouldn’t happen again.
The next Sunday comes and the priest is cleaning his church after a sermon, when the man comes in.
“I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?”
“Of course my son.” said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. “But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?”
The man says nothing, grabs the lemon and rushes out of the church. The priest follows him. The man jumps into the river next to the town and swims over it. The priest cannot swim, so he loses the man again.
The priest goes for a swim every single day over the course of the week.
The next Sunday comes and the priest is cleaning his church after a sermon, when the man comes in.
“I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?”
“Of course my son.” said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. “But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?”
The man says nothing, grabs the lemon and rushes out of the church. The priest follows him. The man jumps into the river next to the town and swims over it. The priest follows him. The man climbs up a steep cliff. The priest cannot go up there, so for the third time, he man gets away.
During the next week, the priest learns how to climb.
The next Sunday comes and the priest is cleaning his church after a sermon, when the man comes in.
“I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?”
“Of course my son.” said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. “But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?”
The man says nothing, grabs the lemon and rushes out of the church. The priest follows him. The man jumps into the river next to the town and swims over it. The priest follows him. The man climbs up a steep cliff. The priest follows him. The man rushes into a dark cave. The priest tries to follow him, but he quickly gets lost in the dark. Frustrated, he finds his way out and heads back home. Once he arrived back at the church, he prepares a candle for next week.
The next Sunday comes and the priest is cleaning his church after a sermon, when the man comes in.
“I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?”
“Of course my son.” said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. “But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?”
The man says nothing, grabs the lemon and rushes out of the church. The priest follows him. The man jumps into the river next to the town and swims over it. The priest follows him. The man climbs up a steep cliff. The priest follows him. The man rushes into a dark cave. The priest lights the candle and follows him.
He finds the man at the back of the cave. “Please, my son, just tell me why do you need half of a lemon each week!”
“Alright father” says the man “but please promise me that you won’t tell anyone!”
And the priest was a good man and didn’t tell it to anyone.
In a libertarian society, would there be vending machines selling heroin on the sidewalk right outside of elementary schools?
Of course not! For starters, there wouldn’t be any sidewalks.
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town…
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: ‘Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference’. The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man ssys “You know, I think my girl was dead’. “Dead? says his friend, “Why do you say that?”Well she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her’. His friend says. ‘Could be worse I think mine was a witch’. ‘A witch??…why the hell would you say that?’ ‘Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window… took my teeth with her!’
My wife just described me as the 2nd least inquisitive person she’s ever met
“Fair enough.” I said.
A Scientist and his Frog
In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.
On day 1, he told the frog, “Jump, frog. Jump!” And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: “Frog successfully taught to jump.”
On day 2, the scientist amputated one of the frog’s legs. Then, he told the frog, “Jump, frog. Jump!” And just as trained, the frog jumped, despite losing the limb. The scientist wrote in his journal: “Frog successfully jumps with an amputated leg.”
On day 3, the scientist amputated another one of the frog’s legs. Then, he told the frog, “Jump, frog. Jump!” With only 2 working legs, the frog manages to jump on command yet again. The scientist wrote in his journal: “Frog successfully jumps with two amputated legs.”
On day 4, the scientist amputated yet another one of the frog’s legs. Then, he told the frog, “Jump, frog. Jump!” Either by a miracle from God himself, or a fiery conviction never seen in frogs before, the poor one-legged frog somehow finds a way to jump. The scientist wrote in his journal: “Frog successfully jumps with three amputated legs.”
On day 5, the scientist amputated the last remaining leg of the frog. Then, he told the frog, “Jump, frog. Jump!
Nothing.
Again, he told the frog, even louder this time, “Jump, frog. Jump!”
Again, nothing.
The scientist paused for a second to think. Then, the scientist wrote in his journal: “Upon loss of all 4 legs, the frog has become deaf.”
When my wife told me she’d leave me if I didn’t stop acting like a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Chemist joke
Two typical chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist asks the waiter: “I would like some H₂O, Please!” The second chemist says: “I’d like some H₂O too!” The second man dies.
Got a vasectomy years ago
But all it did was the change the color of the baby
Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?
I for one.
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I’m following or even stalking her
She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it’s not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
I’ve lost control. I don’t see an end. There is no escape. I don’t even have a home anymore.
Time for a new keyboard.
My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American…
But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
The stomach is smarter than the brain.
Because the stomach warns you when it is empty, the brain does not.
I was cornered by Dwayne Johnson in front of a Hallmark store.
I was caught between The Rock and a card place.
“Make me one with everything,” says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.
Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, “Where is my change?”
The vendor replies, “Change comes from within.”
Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”
That’s M’Shell on my back
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One or two?
One…or two?
One?…or two?
Where do you find a Himalayan cat?
You’ll find him-a-layin on the couch
A professor sits with a farmer on a train.
Bored, the professor says to the farmer: “I ask you a question, if you can’t answer it, you give me 500, what do you think?” The farmer nods. The professor asks the farmer: “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?” The farmer silently takes out 500 for the farmer. The farmer takes the 5 and gives it to the professor, then he falls asleep.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Shaking my head. “Dude, you were there!”
A German in a Bar
A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender tells him : “20 euros!”
The German is shocked - “20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !”
“Well, today it is 20 euros.”
- “But why 20, damn it?”
Bar tender : “I’ll explain it,
-3 euros is beer,
-3 to help Ukraine,
-4 assistance to European countries who have imposed sanctions and are not members of the EU.
-4 euros in aid to the UK, for successful implementation of sanctions against Russia.
-Then 3 euros are sent to the Balkan countries as aid to buy furnace coal.
- and finally, 3 euros for a gas subsidy for the EU and fund to help maintain sanctions!”
The German silently took out the money and gave the bartender 20 euros.
The bartender took them, entered in the cash register and gave him 3 euros back.
German in disbelief : “Wait, you said 20 euros, right ? I gave you 20, why are you giving me back 3 euros?”
“Ahh… We have no beer!”
One year, I had been a naughty child, and Santa left me a piece of coal.
So I poisoned his cookies. But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.
We have just admitted a 43 year old man who came in with 9 plastic horses shoved up his rectum
We’ve listed his condition as ‘stable’
My mom died because I couldnt remember her blood type
She kept saying “be positive ” but it’s going to be hard when she’s not around
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable
Did you know that you don’t actually need a parachute to skydive?
But you do though, if you want to skydive *again*.
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
‘You ok?’ she says.
‘Yes.’ he says.
‘You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she says.
‘No, it’s probably best I stay here.’ he says.
‘Why’s that sweetie?’ says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says,
“Because I’m the Goalie!”
A Texan goes to a bar and buys everyone a round of drinks, exclaiming that his wife has just given birth to their first child “a Texas sized” baby boy weighing 24 pounds.
Congrats came from all over the bar and folks saying “Wow”
Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the Texas size baby that weighed 24 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father says “18 pounds.”
The bartender, confused and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 24 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his mouth on his sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:
“Had him circumcised.”
I won $1M in the lottery
I gave a quarter of it to charity, and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He’s reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says…
“Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time.”
Flattered, the man responds, “Sure…but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?”
“Well…” the woman says. “A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing a Metallica t-shirt. They’re my favorite band of all time. When they went on their And Justice For All tour, my parents took me to see them in Chicago. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Metallica.”
The man can’t believe it.
“I saw them play in Chicago too! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Mike and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others’ houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the World Music Theater!”
Naturally, they’re both shocked.
“If that isn’t weird enough…” says the woman. “I noticed you’re reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He’s my favorite author.”
Now the man is really taken aback, “Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain.”
They both can’t believe it…this has got to be a match made in heaven.
“Ok…” the woman says. “Well, buckle up because here’s the icing on the cake. I noticed you’re eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we’d go up and harvest the plums with him. He’d dry them and by the time we’d go back to his place for Thanksgiving he’d always have those prunes saved just for us. They’re my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you’re eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?”
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
“It’s a date!”
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus
I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I don’t know how to drive a bus
i think my wife is putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns
I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT
I simply hate his behavior. He’d somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he’s an MIT alumni.
He’s always been like this. Even when we were in college together.
Why does Karl Marx hate Earl Grey?
Because all proper tea is theft.
A software tester walks into a bar
Backs into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
987654321 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
-1 beer.
“qwertyuiop” beers.
Testing complete.
A regular customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar bursts into flames.
It wasn’t easy, but me and my wife decided we do not want children
We will be telling them tomorrow.
Edit: They didn’t take it that well, they just kept crying when we left them at gas station.