The hospital botched my surgery. I’ve got half a mind to sue!
Whiteboards are remarkable
I started dragging a clam, but I decided to stop because I didn’t want to pull a mussel.
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.
What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base? A flat major.
“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can make any day but Tuesdays.”
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
I was going to tell a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you wouldn’t get it.
Who is the king of all school supplies? The ruler.
I saw a sign in a restaurant that said “We serve breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (Only a fraction of people will find this funny.)