Questions for Tiffany regarding reconciliation 2024-04-22
3 min read
Questions
If you were all-powerful, meaning you could do anything without limit, and if you knew everyone would love whatever outcome you created, how would you approach our libido mismatch? Would you bring me to where you are? Bring you to where I am? Pull us together in the middle? Are there limits to what you would be willing to do to achieve any of those scenarios?
Neither of us is broken. It’s OK for you to not desire sex. It’s OK for me to desire sex. But where does that leave us if we both desire things the other can’t give?
Was there anything (besides the soreness) over the week we spent together that was untenable for you? There wasn’t for me.
If not, does that mean it can work?
Should we start therapy now?
Should we put off moving in together? What if you leave your apartment, and we can’t make it work then you have to find a new place?
You could stay with me as long as you need, but I know it would be hard to find your way again after that.
I feel like your concerns can amplify my concerns, and that’s where I am in my head right now where I’m really worried. In my mind it’s like, “if you think you’re not enough, how can we make it work?”
That’s not to say you are not allowed to have doubts or that you shouldn’t express them. You can and you should. It just leads me to a different place than I might have been otherwise.
The week we were together was fantastic. I would love for things to always feel like that. I left that week thinking there was no way we could be stopped.
When you say you are concerned, it makes me feel like that week may have just been an anomaly and that we won’t be able to approach it in a life together going forward.
As we’re apart and as you express your doubts, that certainty is fading. I still want it to work just as badly. I am in pain craving everything about you. But I also want to be realistic. I don’t want us to get stuck again. I don’t want us to get to a point where we feel we have to separate again.
Outcome
Tiffany thinks the sex frequency was too high over her last stay. She proposed that she thinks she will be comfortable having sex once per day. I told her I would be thrilled to be with her and to have sex daily on average. I told her if I thought there was some other woman I could go find and get sex 2-3 times per day or I could stay with her and have her daily, I would take her in a heartbeat. She said this filled her heart up.
She said that everything around the sex contributes to her desire for the sex. I told her I understood this and that I think things got off track making it hard for her to want the sex and hard for me to feel lovey-dovey. I said I think our better communication can help fill this gap, along with therapy.
We both want to do therapy to help us understand what we should be doing and how we can deal with these problems.
If she were all-powerful, she would shift both of our libidos toward the middle.