Kian messaged me to ask if he could take Ambria home. Ambria is not allowed to ride home with people and knows that. This exact same thing happened at the end of a school day last year, and she waited around for me to answer. The answer was no, and I told her that she could not just ask anything and then put off doing what she knew she was supposed to do to wait for an answer. Today was an exact repeat of this, with him asking and her waiting in the parking lot, except that today she pretended the reason she was late was that she was looking for her locker. She was in the parking lot, so that may have been why she didn’t find it.
I told him that we have a system for her earning privileges, and she hadn’t earned that one. No response. I told her she needed to come home right away because she has an appointment that starts at 3pm. I messaged her at 3:57 PM to see if she would make it for her session starting in 3 minutes. She had told the IOP via email that she would be an hour late, which would have given her time to walk home or ride the bus home after school let out at 3:40pm.
She had been in the parking lot with Kian for 10-15 minutes at this point. She asked if Kian could take her home because there was no bus and “it would take me longer to walk.” I told her she would practically be home if she hadn’t waited. She claimed she was looking for her locker. I told her I had been watching on GPS the whole time and she was in the parking lot that whole time. She said she wasn’t in the parking lot.
I told her this was a very bad start and asked if I should start picking her up. She said no. I reminded her about the time this happened last year. She recalled one instance from last year when I let her ride with him. She said riding with him isn’t on our level system of privileges. I said she’s right about that, which means she can’t do it! She said that doesn’t automatically mean she can’t. I responded that it doesn’t automatically mean she can.
I told her I didn’t buy any of it and that I saw she was in the parking lot the whole time. She said OK and that she was coming home. She said she made a mistake and should have asked before she left or not at all. She apologized. I agreed that she had made a mistake and told her it was the exact same thing she did last year. She said she didn’t remember. I told her I have no control over what she remembers.
She starts telling me I’m too strict. She says this would have no impact on me and would help me. I remind her that her life is different because we have no trust. She has burned it at every single opportunity to get what she wants. Coincidentally, that’s what she was doing in this very moment. She was in the car with Kian riding to our house.
I told her she’s living in the choices she’s made. I told her that I can’t call the NBA today and ask why they won’t draft me. I didn’t spend years of my life training and practicing to the level I would have needed to in order to be in the NBA. I can’t go to them now and complain that they let in some great player and not me. I told her she had burned all the trust and she can’t just come out now and start complaining that she doesn’t have any. I’ve been warning her this would be the outcome for years. Now, it is and she’s indignant.
She texted me that she was walking so she couldn’t read those messages. She said she will read when she gets a chance. I check GPS, and she’s two streets over. I told her I thought she was sitting in a car. She said she isn’t and she is talking to me. I ask where she is. She texts me to leave her alone. She’s trying to talk to someone she hasn’t seen in a long time. I just don’t understand. I don’t see these last messages because I’m walking to where she is.
I walk to her GPS location and find her and Kian ducked down in his car. I knock on the window. They both put their heads up. I motion for her to get out. She refuses. I go around to her side. I try more to get her to get out. She refuses. I open the door. She is treating me like garbage. She’s decided to take the offensive. I told her she’s missing a scheduled appointment for impromptu social time. She tells me she isn’t even getting anything out of the program. I ask if this is the right way to communicate that. I believe she said it wasn’t, but she said it in a way that suggested I was wrong for pointing it out, not that she had realized what she did wrong. Many of her answers to what I was telling her were, “I don’t care.” An old standby for her.
I tell her she needs to go. She refuses. I tell her there will be consequences. She asks what they are so she can decide what she wants to do. I tell her I don’t know, but that they will be worse if she stays. We go back and forth a few rounds of this. Ultimately, she refuses to go, and I leave.
I go home and start writing to her therapist about what has happened. I tell her we need her to withdraw from the program. I tell her I don’t believe that the program is not helping her but that if she’s going to use that excuse not to go, that will ultimately become true. I contact the email address on the Seattle Public School remote schooling page to ask if remote schooling is an option for this year or if they can offer any alternative resources. I look at private schools that offer a remote option. The only one I find has tuition of $45,000.
Ambria finally comes home at about 4:50pm with Kian and asks where the iPad is. I ask why she needs it since the program doesn’t help her. She intends to join the session that has almost ended. I log her in and leave her to it.
She messages a few minutes later: “I know i didnt handle that how i should have”
I told her it was a profound understatement and that she had treated me like shit. I said this is now the world we’re both living in. I didn’t get to choose it, but I bet I’ll get to hear her complain about it. She gave me another variation on “parents just don’t understand.” Said she wished I could understand how she feels and thinks and how that affects her.
She asked why I had changed the times she’s allowed to use her phone. I told her surely she didn’t need to ask, and, bracing for a later explosion, told her that I would call the cops and that she would go with them if I needed to. Told her I wouldn’t hesitate.
She started pleading why she really needs this and didn’t think I would take it from her. I told her losing her phone time for the evening was the least of her worries. She asked why. I told her we should get her call with her mom out of the way first.
I told her I was disappointed and hurt at the way she treated me after I had comforted her on the night she didn’t even know if Kian would still be around. I asked her to choose consequences or more consequences in the car, and she chose more. That’s what she’s going to get. Now, we live in that world where she made that choice.
She said I was hurtful and disappointing to her too. I told her I treated her like I didn’t trust her and that I was justified because she was actively lying to me! I told her I have tons of history to base my mistrust on. I told her that if her standards for me were that I trust her while she’s actively lying to me, I’m happy to disappoint.
She took her time getting down after her IOP session. Started the call at 6:30 instead of the 6:15 she scheduled it for. She had been in the bathroom, so it was clear that not all of that time was spent wrapping up the IOP. She carried on a perfectly normal call with her mom as if she didn’t have a care in the world.
After the call, I told her to bring her phone to me after the call. She asked why. It old her she had lost it. She said I need to stop doing something. Basically, the gist was that the therapist would interfere on her behalf if she knew all the consequences of this transgression. I told her to do it or that I would disable everything on the phone and she would never get it back. She said she would and she did.